FAMILY INTERFERENCE
The Young Family and Young Couple Guide to Dealing with and Handling Family Interference
 





 
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We get to choose the people we live with, who we share our lives with. Unfortunately, we are unable to choose who those we live and share our lives with come with (this part should make sense the third time you read it).
 
One thing that comes with being a young family is being part of an extended family. Social norms apply, as well as standing orders and time-honoured traditions. Being raised in different cultures, a young couple may have difficulty in adapting to these new surroundings.
 
This article is meant only for those who are capable of rational thinking. To help young families cope with and adapt to the changing landscape by giving young couples within these young families a ‘heads-up’ to the potential problems that may arise.
 
Everything from here is based on logic. As long as you marry into a logical family, you have very little to fear. But since marriage itself is rarely a logical course of action, good luck!

Interference from family members is NEVER a good thing. Intentions may be pure and it’s the thought that counts … yeah, we’ve heard all that before. But do you really want relatives who interfere with your life? Some lucky ones get relatives who almost never interfere, but the unlucky bunch ends up with relatives who just don’t think you could live up to your bill as family guy or super mom without their unsolicited help.
 
Immediate family relations are tricky, but you manage as you were brought up in that culture. Besides, getting disowned is something that actually needs some work towards. Not as hard as getting kicked out of a cult, but hey … there’s always a first time!
 
Extended family relations are trickier, as you are new to an ongoing game with existing players. Accidental offences are way too common and being sent off would indeed be a multi-level problem. You wouldn’t want your in-laws new hobby to be taking bets on when your name will pop up in the obituaries section now, would you?
 
To be foretold is to be forewarned – but you already knew that.

 
 


 


 
 






Fitting into a new extended family may not be an easy task. Even at the best of times, compromise and tact is needed or risk offending the monster-in-law. At the worst of times, nothing short of a diplomatic mission would save you – what did I tell you about commenting on lingerie fashion? No! No! Don’t even think about suggesting she use disposable panties!
 
But assuming that you don’t have a tendency to rub people the wrong way, you should be fine. Most people just keep to themselves whenever they aren’t quite sure which way their rubbing will go. If you were looking for a good piece of advice, that would be it – Stone Age, time of the dinosaur type of advice, but you can’t go wrong with the classics.
 
Jokes aside, this is not a matter to be treated lightly. Conflicts with extended family members may strain relationships with other members of the family. This may even lead to problems within the young family unit – leading to problems between the young couple.
 
If you haven’t realised already, the life of a young couple in a new young family setting isn’t all pink and rosy. Even trips to Ikea or Home Depot or the local pasar malam (night market in Malaysia, not of the dodgy variety) can give rise to tension within the family unit. Conflicts with extended family won’t help a bit.
 
Remember – your extended family’s culture and traditions are those of your partner. Offending the practices of your extended family may offend your partner. Whn differences between the young couple have been resolved, they can then work together to create a unique identity of their own family. Working together, both partners must have a common goal and interest – family, immediate not extended, comes first.
 
Day to day relations is simply a matter of who you are and how you relate to others. It’s like making new friends. You accept them as who they are … as long as they don’t bug you too much.
 
Now you know what the potential problems are, how do you go about making sure that your happy little family remains just that? Identification, understanding and planning helps. Determination puts it all in perspective – bringing you the home run.

Identification
 
Who are these people? Don’t put all the blame on your mom and pops in-law. There are also uncles and aunts in-law that cause as much, if not more, problems. If you are from the ‘younger generation’, then even cousins’ in-law may be troublesome.
 
It is important to properly identify where the problem emanates from. This determines the severity of the conflict and would help you plan your way forward.
 
In a nutshell, interference from mom and dad in-law is more severe than uncles and aunts in-law and so forth. Higher the severity, more thought and precautionary measures that should go into your plan to deal with the intrusion into your family life.
 
In the same way, if the offender is relatively low on the severity level, ignoring their comments or politely declining their suggestion may be the best way out. You really don’t have to follow what Great Aunt Bertha said about wearing your bra UNDER your sweater now, do you? Or if you are absolutely convinced that you are the son of superman, why even give a rats tail about Cousin Jack’s comments about wearing your underwear on the outside.
 
Careful though that you don’t overlook the family links. A spat with a cousin may quickly turn into a misunderstanding with an aunt and before you know it, you are at odds with your father in-law. Let your first reaction be that of neutrality, even if you had other things on your mind. Don’t act on impulse. Think everything through.
 
When it comes to your extended family, just be mindful of your words and actions … especially in the early years.

 












 

Understanding
 
Why do these people do what they do? Why are they intent on butting into your life? Do they not have lives of their own? What makes yours so darn interesting that they can’t keep their claws off?
 
Understanding the reason why some people interfere (or at least try to interfere) with your life is important. Good intentions, malicious thoughts pr just in passing … ways and means of dealing with each of there is different.
 
Good intentions often arise from just wanting to help and to give their opinion on what and how they had approached a similar problem in the past. Malicious thoughts may arise from any reason, ‘accidental’ poisoning of their pet cat perhaps? Hey, you would have done the same!
 
Either good or bad or neutral, never take it for granted. A good intention goes as far as the suggestion. Bad interference may be disguised as neutral. You have to decide what it is in reality, and act accordingly. Failure to handle situations such as there would just make it more difficult for you to fend off the next round of attacks.
 
Show them that you have your own ways but be careful not to hint that their ways are wrong. Always remember that these ways were once the ways of your partner. Respect that, but also make it clear that the ways of your new family are different, at least in some aspects.

Planning
 
Before taking any action, think through the problem. Ask yourself if it’s really worth the trouble or whether you could just forget about it. A trip to the local Mc Donalds or the mall with the kids will put things in perspective – well, it would if the suggestion is to anchor the kids to chairs!
 
Would you be able to pull this off if you wanted to?
 
An action plan doesn’t have to be as detailed as something out of a Rambo movie (you know, Sylvester Stallone … First Blood … Rambo 4 … argh, forget about it!). What it should is outline the when’s and where’s or the next time’s.
 
Confused? No need to be. It simply means that you should plan your replies and responses whenever the topic arises the next time. If the situation never again arises, good.
 
Confrontation is not a good idea, no matter what anyone says. Diplomatic approach is always the better option. When all else fails, keep your distance till things cool down. Start over, plan a diplomatic approach.


Determination
 
If you are determined to stick to your principle and way of life, you have to fight for it. Some people will make it hard for you and none from the opposing side will lift a finger to help.
 
Determination will see you through, assuming of course that it wasn’t a bird brained idea to proceed in the first place. When this happens, you can expect a whole new level of appreciation and respect.
 
Remember, you are not fighting them. You are just leading your own life in the way that you think is best.


That said ...

... always keep your cool. Be generous with the benefit of doubt; don’t follow the 10 percent rule … just throw in at least 20 percent. Most of the time, family interference will stem from non-malicious reasons – simple and honest.
 
Keep it that way. 

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